I was not made to click and fear and click and hope
By which I mean
Human beings were not made to have
Refreshable forms of communication
We were made to use our feet to cross long distances
And find each other at home or out back or in the field
And look each other in the eyes
And swat a fly off each other's shoulders
Before we tell each other
The following:
The phone alarm chimes like it hasn't even heard what I've done
The morning light forgives me
The record player doesn't know what I'm capable of
The desk only knows my best self
And the mirror has seen the unspeakable but decides to reflect me anyways
Because of these small graces
Today I will get up
And try to do something.
How is it
That whenever we are doing a warm-up
Bent over, touching our toes
And are asked to slowly rise to a standing position
Stacking one vertebrate at a time
That I am always the very last one to rise
Does no one know how many vertabrae we have
We have hundreds
Or at least dozens
But still
I don't think anyone is taking this seriously
When you ask someone if they could use a time machine,
What would they do?
And they say “I would kill Hitler”
They are trying to tell you that they are generous and just.
What they are actually telling you is that they are a profound narcissist.
What do they think everyone else in WW2 was trying to do
Everyone was trying to kill Hitler
Several major world powers were working together to kill Hitler
And what they needed
Was not a 28 year old business analyst
And aspiring sommelier
From 2016.
If I had a time machine
I would go back in time
And tell people to pick another answer.
Regret
Descends
Circling you
Big white wings swooping
Looming
Brushing too close to your ears
"Oh"
She lands with a graceful pang.
"I thought you said Egret"
"I'll show you mine, if you show me yours" she said.
"Okay" he said.
They looked over their collective shoulder.
"My mom knows the principal", he said.
Of all the gin joints
In all the world
You walked into mine
And started talking about podcasts.
People like to tell you
"You shouldn't care what other people think about you."
And wait to make sure you understood them
Because it is important to those people
That you care what they think about you.
People are shocked when they find out I haven't seen their favorite, classic, essential-addition-to-the-pop-cultural-cannon film. So I made a list, and am working my way through. Join me as I watch your favorite movie for the first time.
THOUGHTS AND REFLECTIONS UPON WATCHING "COYOTE UGLY" FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 2016:
I don't recognize a single actor in this film so far.
This waitress is stunning!! Who is this actress?!
(Update: her name is Piper Perabo and she was in the 2010-2014 tv show "Covert Affairs" and one of her notable quotes on IMDB is the following, confusing statement: "I think that you love who you love, and there are people who you love that people aren't going to understand why, and that sort of doesn't really matter.")
I assume each of the women on this wall of photos of "girls who left this New Jersey diner to move to NYC" promptly ended up as plot lines on Law & Order. This seems to be the implication.
OH I KNOW THIS ACTRESS PLAYING THE BEST FRIEND. I LISTENED TO HER MARC MARON PODCAST. (Update: she is named Melanie Lynske and she's in a particularly great episode of Maron's podcast, he is super compassionate and they have a wonderful shy kind of conversation.)
I recognize the dad! He's Roseanne's husband! Roseanne's husband is not pleased that his beautiful waitress daughter is leaving.
"I put pepper spray in your purse. Even if you're not sure just start spraying." -- that's a great line.
Best friend actress Melanie Lynske is originally from New Zealand, and she has this beautiful lilt to her voice, and here she is dedicating herself harder to this Jersey accent than anyone else.
Whitney the single mom receptionist is my favorite of the unhelpful "this is how NYC works" receptionists so far.
Who is this Australian leading man? He's SO handsome. What happened to this actor?! (Update: his name is Adam Garcia and he was Fiyero in Wicked! So he did alright.)
Turns out Australian guy is not in fact a club music promoter, but is instead a fry cook in the kitchen. Girlfriend, he may not be able to advance your song-writing career but he has an endless supply of burgers and fries which is ALSO AWESOME AND HELPFUL when you're a starving artist.
Following women you don't know as they walk home is not a good technique, Australian guy. WOMEN DO NOT ENJOY THIS. Men, do not try this at home.
Alternate title for this movie: Montages of Unhelpful Receptionists in New York
1 million dollars that Australian Leading Man sees Violet at an open mic night and falls in love with her.
So far the plot is: beautiful girl goes to new town, has fairly chaste capers all night with first guy she meets in town, he becomes her boyfriend. Essentially, Coyote Ugly is a PG-13 version of every Mary Kate & Ashley movie.
Aww, God bless the waiter who gives Violet a free piece of pie when he sees she only has $2. That warms my heart. This is my version of The Christmas Shoes.
IS THAT TYRA BANKS
THAT IS TYRA BANKS
Tyra had no eyebrows in the 90s
AND now we're at the Coyote Ugly.
Do not drink a loose shot off of a bar as part of your dance routine, Coyote girls! You can light the bar-top on fire, that's fine, but drinking anonymous unsupervised alcohol is way more dangerous.
"HELL NO H2O" is the opposite of my life philosophy. Hydration all the way.
You can't just say "forgive me father for I have sinned" into your mirror, that's not how confession works.
Well I guess for Protestants we're cool with confessing/praying anywhere, even into your bedroom mirror.
What a theologically challenging film.
"I don't want to sing my own songs. I want to write songs for other people to sing." -- is this the most practical dream ever for a wish-fulfillment Cinderella film ever?
OH NO VIOLET SPRAYED THE FIRE MARSHAL. We have tricky dynamics with the fire marshal these days too. RELEVANT FILM.
WAIT, her answer to fix the chaos and violence of a mass brawl at the bar is to sing One Way or Another? There are way more dynamic songs. I would sing "Imagine" by John Lennon and a hush would fall over the crowd.
Alternate solution: remove all the violent men trying to destroy the bar.
Because the man with a bucket hat jamming alone in his apartment is playing hip-hop, Violet completely transforms her song from a Jewel ballad to a rocking pop hit. Man with a bucket hat jamming alone is the true hero of Coyote Ugly.
This is the most abrupt and confusing seduction I have ever seen in a film. With the cutest Britney Spears Y2K-era pastel lingerie set ever.
Don't light an unsupervised post-coital candle! You JUST got the Fire Marshal okay with things.
Now for the zoom-in on Australian guys face while he falls in love with her because he's listening to her singing. I assume everyone's face looks like this while they watch my problematic feminist plays, it's just that the lights are too dark in the theatre.
Look at that Macintosh computer!!!! It is HUGE.
Dad sees daughter at work: "I am ashamed you dance on bar tops."
Dad has near-death experience: "You need to follow your dreams and dance on bar tops. It's what your mother would have wanted."
Violet you also can't have all these open candles on your rooftop. FOR SURE. (I have officially become one with the fire marshal. I understand him so well now. Be looking for my new series: Films Through the Eyes of a Fire Marshal. We'll start with the Lord of the Rings series. How many hobbits should be allowed to assemble in one of those teeny hobbit-homes?)
"How does she afford all these candles? Where does she plug in her amp?" - Aliciana re: Violet's rooftop studio
OH NO. Remember when you couldn't reach people when they were out and if you didn't get to the phone in time you'd miss them?
I would love an origin-story prequel of the woman who owns Coyote Ugly. She's so interesting. And she MAKES THINGS HAPPEN instead of being reactionary. She is my true protagonist.
If my love life depended on being home at the right time to accept phone calls/hear voicemails and having coins on hand to make calls on pay-phones I would definitely die alone.
A lot of things are happening v. quickly, but Violet now works at a classy bar and she's been accepted to a song-writer's night at an important venue. Montage of her getting her life together. (How I wish I had the authority to summon those montages for myself and others.)
Songwriter night!
I KNOW THIS SONG.
YOU CAN TRY TO RESIST. AND SURRENDER YOUR KISS. BUT YOU KNOW YEAH YOU KNOW THAT YOU --
I didn't know that song was from this movie!!!
LEANN RIMES!
How likely is it that this film was an elaborate means of releasing Leann Rimes' new single?
This has been very fun in a time-capsuley way.
Credits have alerted me that there's such a thing as a "Dance Double" and I would like one of those for my own life. I get tired at weddings now.
I wish there was an emoji for froyo.
Or for your cold lips near my ear murmuring "You are my favorite."
Or for the feeling that this will last only until you find out how self-preservational I can be.
Or for telling you I'm running late but wish I weren't.
She was beautiful
But she was hollow.
It turns out
She wasn't actually stoic
She was just really empty.
But that's okay
She was beautiful
So no one bothered to check.
People get angry when they find out I haven't seen their favorite, classic, essential-addition-to-the-pop-cultural-cannon film. Really angry. So I made a list, and am working my way through. Join me as I watch your favorite movie for the first time.
Edit: This was originally posted in December of 2015!
Thoughts Upon Watching White Christmas for the First Time as an Adult in 2015:
Opening shot: "Christmas Eve - 1944" and my first thought was "oh! That's a war, right?!"
Zoomed out and it's literally in the middle of a war.
I should have a better grasp on the dates of major world wars.
You know, to better enjoy Christmas movies.
There are just INNUMERABLE BOMBS GOING OFF in the background while these soldiers perform their Christmas Eve medley. (I can empathize because this one time, during one of my scenes in Uncle Vanya, this man in the front row took his shoes off, so...pretty distracting.)
How did the army recruit such especially good singers for this division? "Do you promise to remain steadfast in battle? Will you shoot bad guys? Do you know the melody AND the harmony to I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas?"
Bob is all "THANKS FOR SAVING MY LIFE, BUT I WONT LET YOU JOIN MY ACT I ONLY WORK SOLO" Come on, Bob.
This whole scene of Bob and Phil undressing while Phil tries to convince Bob to find a girl and settle down but Bob is all "I don't wanna! I'm fine how I am!" sounds awfully similar to any script of a film about a deeply closeted man. Or the first half of a Noel Coward play.
Men's pants had such high waistlines back then.
GIMME JUDY's WHITE ROBE WITH RED TASSELS.
GIMME JUDY'S IMPROBABLE WAISTLINE
This is where that "Sisters" song came from!
Why are there never gardens for me to exit via twirling when I meet handsome men at night clubs?!
Four adult humans are now singing about each of their feelings towards snow. Like they are conversing via song. I am not complaining, we should always converse by group singing.
Phrases I will work into daily conversation starting now, get excited everyone:
- "Never kid a kidder"
- "Without so much as a kiss my foot or have an apple!"
- "Mutual I'm sure"
- "Girl boy, boy girl!"
- "I want to wash my hair in snow!"
- "Vermont must be beautiful this time of year!" (Just refrain from mentioning Vermont in my presence)
I now know what Dylan is referencing when he says "The theatre, the theatre, what's happened to the theatre?!" I just thought he was deeply troubled.
PS, Dylan also can't help but sing along to the "Count Your Blessings" song and it might be the most adorable thing in the world.
I hope I don't have to skip town because my love is producing a potentially exploitative show, but Betty makes wearing all black and saying good-bye while standing on a train that is pulling away look so satisfying.
GIMME JUDY'S LIME YELLOW-GREEN TAP DANCE DRESS.
All the soldiers at the end! My heart!!
Musical theatre makers, hire soldiers for all future performances. Apparently they can all harmonize and are fantastic at picking up any choreography that involves hitting right angles with little to no rehearsal.
BETTY'S BACK!! She has been through 7 stages of emotional grief but her hair hasn't moved once.
The white robe with red tassels: a reprise!!
The finale!!!
4 out of 5 finale children performers were not pleased to be there. (Like the dentists and Trident!) But that 5th kid is all smiles.
This is a lovely movie!!
People get angry when they find out I haven't seen their favorite, classic, essential-addition-to-the-pop-cultural-cannon film. Really angry. So I made a list, and am working my way through. Join me as I watch your favorite movie for the first time.
Edit: This was originally posted in November of 2015!
THOUGHTS UPON WATCHING WHEN HARRY MET SALLY FOR THE FIRST TIME AS A 20 SOMETHING IN THE YEAR 2015:
Old people telling their love story!! I love elderly people stories! Ahhhh!
MEG RYAN YOUR 70s HAIR. I LOVE IT.
TBH: I know I’m looking at Meg Ryan speaking but all I hear is Anastasia. #90skid
TBH: I know I'm supposed to be looking at Billy Crystal as a young, off-beat romantic lead but all I hear is Mike Wazowski from Monster's Inc. #90skid
OMG THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT CASABLANCA. I JUST WATCHED CASABLANCA AND I NOW KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DEBATING.
MEG RYAN AGREES WITH ME. OF COURSE SHE WOULD RATHER GO WITH CZECH HUSBAND THAN BOGEY.
“Women are very practical, even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.” - YES YES YES
Just saw her mom pants.
Just saw her knee socks.
They just sat down at a table. This must be the salad dressing on the side scene!
(Oil and vinegar scene apparently, I stand corrected.)
“They don’t make Sunday. Because of God.” - I’m betting this ends up being my favorite line of this whole movie.
Sally is the opposite of the manic-pixie-dream-girl and I love her for that. Manic-color-coded-high-functioning-dream-girl.
MIKE WAZOWSKI DO NOT LOOK AT ANASTASIA LIKE THAT.
I hate the come on that is a guy flirting about how he’s not coming on to you. It’s like painting a girl in a corner while talking about how you’re not even painting, you’re just demonstrating painting - and all she can do is wait patiently for the paint to dry because you’ve trapped her with your attraction. It’s so unfair.
I don’t trust early 80’s Aryan boyfriend.
There’s no way a guy on an airplane would volunteer to give up the aisle seat to take the middle seat, even to let Harry sit by Sally.
I would love having a rolodex to carry to fancy lunches.
Bearded Billy Crystal is a significantly more handsome Billy Crystal. Am I attracted to Billy Crystal? How did you do that, Nora?
“What’s the statute of limitations on apologies?” Nora your lines are just the best.
Shots of ice skaters! Manhattan! New York looks so stunning and lovely and sparkly and magical in this movie, even more so than in You Got Mail. I had the same magical feeling with the cinematography in Hannah and Her Sisters. Was New York a more hopeful, optimistic, lovely place then? Or were filmmakers just less cynical during that era? Or was New York cleaner? Or were film lenses just fuzzier, ergo the city looked more squinty and lovely?
WHOAH his apartment! I wouldn’t mind being lonely and sad if it meant being lonely and sad in that apartment.
“Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance.” NUHUH NO SHE ISN’T. SOMETIMES SHE JUST PULLS OUT A GUN WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.
“Low maintenance” is a badge men hand out to women which I have no interest in earning. It’s just the OG manifestation of “cool girl” which is just another way to shame and then reward girls out of having a voice and opinions and preferences and an active participation in their own lives. Cheers to all my high maintenance ladies. *clinks glasses with Meg Ryan*
“I’ll have what she’s having” is from this movie!! Well delivered, Diner Lady #3.
The older couple that interrupt each other and tell their story simultaneously (The “he rode 9 extra flights on the elevator” couple) is genius. I couldn’t stop laughing a completely un-ironic laugh!
(Related: Is this the perfect movie?)
Oh it’s New Years and they’re spinning and they are feeling. They're gonna kiss!
I’m so bummed they didn’t kiss.
There’s a chance this is in fact the perfect movie.
Meg Ryan permed hair is my aspirational hair.
Ugh. HELEN. Who needs Helen. Everyone has a person-who-would-make-your-guts-freeze-if-you-ran-into-them-at-a-home-goods-store and GO AWAY HELEN.
Oh when they fight and then Harry says “Can I just say one thing” and his one thing is “I’m sorry” I just melted. I didn’t expect to love or root for Billy Crystal even a little bit, but here I am. Again: how’d you do that, Nora?
NO DO NOT HOOK UP DO NOT DO IT.
There is this very specific kissing style that I only see in older rom coms and also Sam and Diane from Cheers, this sort of guppy, neck crinkling kiss. I’m excited for you guys but also, there’s just a lot of facial smearing.
The one perk of being supporting-best-friends-who-get-married characters is the His and Hers landlines.
Did everyone actually think these giant 90s wedding dresses were beautiful at the time? Or were they just pretending, like I was pretending to like the mullet dresses of 2013 that were way higher in the front than the back?
“I am, I am the dog.”
I too would have caved at the karaoke voicemail. How can you resist a karaoke voicemail? I would have called even Bogey back if he had left a karaoke voicemail.
For those following along, it's New Years a year later and I'm too involved to comment, shhhh.
Lesson from WHMS: When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you start running.
Lesson from WHMS: You should archive a series of really specific traits or annoying habits about the person you love to recall in an instant in case they don't believe you love them.
In summation: This is the perfect romantic comedy. [I hear you all saying “DUH, you're late to the party!" Be gracious, I'd like to dance at the party too now, even thought you're all tearing down and cleaning up] I always knew Nora Ephron was a genius in theory, but now I have tasted and seen that the rom-com is good. Instantly a top 10 favorite.
People get angry when they find out I haven't seen their favorite, classic, essential-addition-to-the-pop-cultural-cannon film. Really angry. So I made a list, and am working my way through. Join me as I watch your favorite movie for the first time.
Edit: This was originally posted in October of 2015!
Thoughts and Discoveries Upon Watching the CASABLANCA for the First Time as an Adult:
There's an opening credit for "Gowns"!! This gives me high hopes for the pageantry!! There are not enough gowns in the world!!
They're really bending over backwards here to talk about how badly everyone wants to get out of Casablanca and how horribly stranded they all are, but then they make it look like a delightful Gatsby-meets-Moroccan-France party. Pick a lane you guys.
SOMEONE GOT SHOT. DEFINITELY THE GATSBY PART OF GATSBY-MEETS-MOROCCAN-FRANCE.
When all these people went to Casblanca to try and flee Nazi occupation, were they like "We must flee! Quickly! In the night! Pack my most beautiful dresses and hats, I must look fly as hell!"
I think I'm a bit too blindly loyal and #rideordie to all forlorn women. When the lovely despondent lady in the sparkly jacket was all "Why don't you love me anymore, Humphrey Bogart?!?!" and he was like "Get her a cab, she's had too much and see that she makes it home" -- was that supposed to make us like him? I wasn't impressed with his character's responsibility, I was like "YOU DIDN'T ANSWER THE LADY'S QUESTION, BOGEY"
This whole thing is a bit too Nazi-friendly. Everyone's just cool with the fact that the Nazis are OCCUPYING everything and ordering "champagne cocktails" with them?
Okay so turns out there are in fact underground movements and MOST people aren't cool with the Nazis, but tonally it definitely feels like the Senior Nazis are bad but the more Junior Nazis are chill guys everyone likes to invite to the party. Not cool. And Bogart just looks mildly disdainful towards them, which doesn't even count because he looks mildly disdainful towards EVERYTHING.
INGRID BERGMAN IS THE MOST GORGEOUS CREATURE. HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS. BERGMAN FOR QUEEN.
Okay, so Bergman's Czech husband is a concentration camp survivor, war hero, her true love from childhood, super handsome, and the ONLY person who is actually not cool with accepting drinks from Nazis. AND he selflessly offers to let her flee back to America without him! Alternatively, Bogart is a kind of handsome grumpy guy with good entrepreneurial business sense. Am I in any way supposed to be rooting for Bogart? I am not. Czech husband + Ingrid = OTP.
This shop owner cuts the price of lace down by 80% when he finds out Ingrid knows Bogey. Humphrey Bogart: Do not hope he gets the girl, would love to go shopping with.
"Here's looking at you, kid" is from Casablanca!!
WAIT, they met in Paris. Is "We'll always have Paris" coming up too??
[And then we had to pause it because it was getting late, ending TBD!!]
Characters so far:
Bogey: MEH
Ingrid: QUEEN
Czech Husband: HERO
Everyone else: Cool outfits, poor decisions
[Unpaused. Ready for the last 1/4!]
Ingrid looks fly in this conquistador-themed blouse and cummerbund.
Pretty sweet Bulgarian girl!! Why are you crying? I want to hold you in my arms and make the world a better place for you!!
NOOOOO. Renault makes women sleep with him to ensure safe passage?!? FEMINIST ROAR.
Czech husband is having them play the French song to drown out the Nazi song and I am sure this has sealed his fate. Drowning out a Nazi song is heroic and all, but I'd rather he lay low for a second and then escape and then actually defeat Nazis. This is a prime example of winning a battle and losing a war. Priorities, Czech husband!
This is like Pete's Dueling Piano Bar when they go back and forth accepting tips to play rival college fight songs.
"I go any way the wind goes." Again, the whole a-political non-partisan stance is only noble when the wind isn't blowing you TOWARDS NAZIS. Not okay.
NO CZECH HUSBAND. For future reference, if your devastatingly beautiful and noble wife asks you to stay home from any kind of night-time underground controversial meeting, DO NOT GO. Ingrid Bergman and Portia and Eliza Schuyler have taught us this!
INGRID'S GOT A GUN. DID. NOT. ANTICIPATE THAT.
"What, is keeping your Nazi fighting war hero alive for the cause that important?" - Humphrey Bogart, man with the least amount of context EVER
I wanted her to shoot him.
Is Bogey supposed to be a Snape-like character, in that you hate him but at the end he's like "Always" and you're like "OMG WHAT?" and cry because he was misunderstood? I just hate him.
The thing is that ladies don't like brooding guys who want to punish them after the breakup. If Bogey had played it like "Take these visas, go with your Czech husband, the cause is more important!" She'd be all "Omg he was so mature, maybe I made a mistake and should be with him." That advice is for free, menfolk. Imitate the behaviors of a kind, mature person and then she'll think dumping you was a mistake. Under no circumstances should you deny your ex girlfriend a life-saving visa. Feel like that last part should go without saying.
I wish you didn't love him so much too, Ingrid.
Okay so there's a big evil plan and Bogey is the worst.
Okay so the big evil plan was a double-plan and Bogey is actually good.#snape
Ingrid could look a little less upset with the idea of getting on a plane to go to America WITH HER NOBLE AND GOOD HUSBAND.
"We'll always have Paris!" IS from Casablanca!
It's too foggy. Czech husband is going to be shot through the fog!
Alright fine, we'll let rapey Captain Renault have his heroic moment. Gross.
I don't think I took a breath till that plane was actually in the air. BIG CZECH SIGH OF RELIEF.
Oh good, Captain Renault throws away Nazi water bottles, BIG HEROIC STANCE LOUIE.
"I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship" is from Casablanca TOO!!!!
In Conclusion: What a wonderful film, the last 10 minutes are the most incredible, Ingrid is my queen, would prefer if everyone could have been a little more confidently anti-Nazi, Bogart is whatever.
When a boy asks you:
"What kind of music do you like?"
It is a test
And if he has to ask
You have already failed.
The thing about truth
is that it doesn't much care who delivers it,
it just goes on being true.