YOU HAVEN'T SEEN: White Christmas

People get angry when they find out I haven't seen their favorite, classic, essential-addition-to-the-pop-cultural-cannon film. Really angry. So I made a list, and am working my way through. Join me as I watch your favorite movie for the first time. 

Edit: This was originally posted in December of 2015!

Thoughts Upon Watching White Christmas for the First Time as an Adult in 2015:

Opening shot: "Christmas Eve - 1944" and my first thought was "oh! That's a war, right?!"

Zoomed out and it's literally in the middle of a war.

I should have a better grasp on the dates of major world wars.

You know, to better enjoy Christmas movies.

There are just INNUMERABLE BOMBS GOING OFF in the background while these soldiers perform their Christmas Eve medley. (I can empathize because this one time, during one of my scenes in Uncle Vanya, this man in the front row took his shoes off, so...pretty distracting.)

How did the army recruit such especially good singers for this division? "Do you promise to remain steadfast in battle? Will you shoot bad guys? Do you know the melody AND the harmony to I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas?"

Bob is all "THANKS FOR SAVING MY LIFE, BUT I WONT LET YOU JOIN MY ACT I ONLY WORK SOLO" Come on, Bob.

This whole scene of Bob and Phil undressing while Phil tries to convince Bob to find a girl and settle down but Bob is all "I don't wanna! I'm fine how I am!" sounds awfully similar to any script of a film about a deeply closeted man. Or the first half of a Noel Coward play.

Men's pants had such high waistlines back then.

GIMME JUDY's WHITE ROBE WITH RED TASSELS.

GIMME JUDY'S IMPROBABLE WAISTLINE

This is where that "Sisters" song came from!

Why are there never gardens for me to exit via twirling when I meet handsome men at night clubs?!

Four adult humans are now singing about each of their feelings towards snow. Like they are conversing via song. I am not complaining, we should always converse by group singing.

Phrases I will work into daily conversation starting now, get excited everyone:
- "Never kid a kidder"
- "Without so much as a kiss my foot or have an apple!"
- "Mutual I'm sure"
- "Girl boy, boy girl!"
- "I want to wash my hair in snow!"
- "Vermont must be beautiful this time of year!" (Just refrain from mentioning Vermont in my presence)

I now know what Dylan is referencing when he says "The theatre, the theatre, what's happened to the theatre?!" I just thought he was deeply troubled.

PS, Dylan also can't help but sing along to the "Count Your Blessings" song and it might be the most adorable thing in the world.

I hope I don't have to skip town because my love is producing a potentially exploitative show, but Betty makes wearing all black and saying good-bye while standing on a train that is pulling away look so satisfying.

GIMME JUDY'S LIME YELLOW-GREEN TAP DANCE DRESS.

All the soldiers at the end! My heart!!

Musical theatre makers, hire soldiers for all future performances. Apparently they can all harmonize and are fantastic at picking up any choreography that involves hitting right angles with little to no rehearsal.

BETTY'S BACK!! She has been through 7 stages of emotional grief but her hair hasn't moved once.

The white robe with red tassels: a reprise!!

The finale!!!

4 out of 5 finale children performers were not pleased to be there. (Like the dentists and Trident!) But that 5th kid is all smiles.

This is a lovely movie!!